Thursday, November 8, 2012

Does hope really float up?

“Beginnings are usually scary, endings are usually sad, but it's what's in the middle that counts. So when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will.”

― Hope Floats 

So I chose this quote not only because I LOVE the movie, but I do think that it's pretty true.

Endings are sad . . . My Godmother and Aunt just entered into her final stage towards "graduation" (as she calls it).  She has Stage IV Ovarian cancer and has been battling for a year.  With no more chemos to try and surgery not an option, she has decided to find comfort with her family and her God and enjoy her final days.  I went to see her last weekend.  She seemed in as good of spirits as you can be when you are only 66 and know that you are dying. period.  Selfishly, I am mad and sad at the same time.  Ovarian Cancer took my grandmother, her mother, when I was about 4 months old.  I lost the chance to ever get to know my grandmother and who my mom might have been had she had her mom as she raised her family.  And now, this nasty cancer is going to take away my only aunt and godmother.  She won't be there at my wedding and I won't be taking my kids to go see her when she's old and gray. It doesn't seem fair.

No one tells you that when you are in your 30s that all your grandparents die and then your aunts and uncles too.  Words just can't describe the feelings accurately. 

And beginnings are scary . . . I've started a new journey (again).  I am so excited and scared shit-less at the same time.  Being single and getting to choose your own destiny, path, career, etc is so cool b/c I don't have to ask for their opinion/permission, etc.  But it's also scary because you know that you have no support, no cheerleader.  You have no one to share in your excitement or hug you when you are devastated that it didn't work out.  I truly believe that if this is the path that God wants me on and I trust in his decision, that it will all work out.  I think that He might just open this HUGE door and say "Ok, there you go".  I also think that when you are happy with you that the universe sends good things your way. Gotta think positive - right? 

But it's hard to be excited and proud of myself when I'm so sad about my Aunt.  Seems like my life has been colliding like this for the past 1 1/2 years - just so done with being sad and losing important people in my life.



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