Friday, October 26, 2012

What did you want to be when you grew up?

Simple enough question, right?  Well, think about it for a second.
I’ll give you my run-down of occupations (those that I can remember – maybe I should have consulted my mom first):
-          A vet.  I list this first because it was what I wanted to be forever.  Even after I had abandoned the dream my junior of high school, Freshman year of college, there I was looking at K-State and Mizzou’s vet schools.  I have since looked into vet tech programs too.  If there was a Nurse Practioner position in the Vet world that would so be me – no surgeries, but I would probably have an emphasis in hospice.  Although I can’t hardly talk about my first dog without crying, so maybe I wouldn’t be good at it after all?
-          A pony express rider.  Yes, I am fully aware that when I had this dream that the pony express had been gone for 100 years, but I watched the “Young Riders” religiously as a kid.  I have always had a soft spot for western tv drama with lots of horses.  I also went to Girl Scout horse camp for many summers as a kid and loved every minute of it.
-          A circus performer – this happened after a Girl Scout field trip to see the Moscow Circus in the old Kiel.  It was a beautiful, yet sad building at that time.  The USSR still existed too.  Again, I think it was the horses and the travel.  Obviously I didn’t go far in this dream either.
-          A Nun – I guess you could also say a missionary (once I found out that people other than nuns did good work in 3rd world countries).  Helping people especially kids and travelling sounded like a plan to me.
-          Junior Yr of high school, I started working at my high school’s tv station and loved it.  I liked being in front of the camera, behind it and directing.  I decided to get my bachelor’s in it.
-          Senior year of college – I told my mom that I thought that I wanted to be a social worker.  With a semester left in my bachelor’s, my mom said just finish your degree and come home.
-          I had a short time as an assistant manager at the Mall.  Yes, it’s mindless work, but mall managers make a good living, but I felt that I wanted more than mindless work everyday.
-          I applied to a Masters in Video thinking I might want to try that again, but I didn’t make the cut, so …..
-          I went back to volunteering with children.  One day I thought how can I get paid for this? (without being a nurse or a teacher).  I applied for, got in and obtained my MSW.
-          I love working with kids, but have been in the geriatric field for the past 7 years.  (that’s a whole post in itself)
-          Present Day – I’m a social worker that works in cancer research.  Not my dream, but I’m working on it, so stay tuned. 
Finally, I realized through life experiences that I know what I want to be when I grow up:
I want to be a person who has passion for what they do, someone who makes a difference in the lives of others and most importantly, I want to marry my best friend and be an amazing, supportive wife.
Now you might be asking what about being a mom?  Honestly, I have been around kids my whole life (especially being a foster sister to newborns for 20+ yrs) and I have fabulous biological nieces and “pseudo” nephews and nieces of close friends.  Also, I have worked with kids too, so I get kids through that angle too.  I would not feel that I am missing out if I don’t become a mom.  I think that if you choose your mate wisely, that he or she is enough to have a great life together.  Having children, adopted or biological, I feel is a great added bonus.  But hands-down, I would chose a fabulous marriage and husband (if I could only have one choice). 
I’m hoping that my nieces will love me enough to put me in a good nursing home if I don’t have kids. lol.

They say if you say it, put it out in the universe,  that it has a way of making things happen, so here goes:
I can’t wait to find my guy and be an awesome wife . . . Yep, I’m that girl.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Dream a little dream with me . . . .

I am a closet dreamer.  I dream in silence because I think most people would just think that I am crazy eventhough my dreams aren't anything that earth shattering.   

I blame my dreaming on my “cusp” status.  You see I am a Pisces/Aries blend.  A water and a fire sign – could they be more opposite?  Yes, yes they can.  Pisces are dreamers and seem eternally optimistic, almost hippie-like.  Aries are stubborn, independent and terribly logical.  Several years ago, I was on a horse back ride through the mountains north of Albuquerque, New Mexico.  Our trail guide was in her mid-50s, tanned skin and blonde hair, lots of life experiences and a transplant from California.  She said that she had lived a lot of places, but fell in love with New Mexico.  Anyway, we got to talking on our 3 hour trail ride.  She discovered I was a blend of Pisces/Aries and I said “yeah, makes me kinda weird/crazy”.  She turned around in her saddle and said that she had several friends who were Pisces/Aries blends and that "they were the most interesting people that she knew."  Yes, validation!  Even a fortune teller in New Orleans was confused by my vibes and read me as a Pisces.  I want to believe that my personality is more Pisces, but I know that I am definitely a Ram in so many ways.

Me in New Mexico
Not too long ago in therapy, my counselor thought that it was really interesting that I go about my issues/problems/ideas in a very logical, yet optimistic way.  (She doesn’t know that I am cusp.) I am not quick to make a decision, think about all the possible outcomes, but I am also undeterred when a decision does not go my way (see Aries – determined).  I think that it is interesting that from talking to her, she can peg me, but I hope so in a way since I am paying her to listen to me.
Why am I talking about this?  Well, for the past 5 years, I have struggled with the question “what am I doing with my life?”  I play it safe, logical ie get a good job, make good money, buy a house and search for the guy.  But where is the passion in this?  Nowhere.  It’s been gone for a long time and that’s what makes my life hard.  I know that other people are facing way harder challenges and I should just be thankful and accept my lot.  But for me, going to work everyday is hard.  I have no purpose.  I dream of all these awesome jobs I would love, where I would love to live, but to uproot your life at 33 is viewed so differently than if I was 24  - some how then it would have been acceptable.  Now people think that I am just crazy. 

So that leads me to this quote:
“I hope you live a life you are proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.” F. Scott Fitzgerald

Or this one:
“I learned this, at least, by my experiment; that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. . . . In proportion as he simplifies his life, the laws of the universe will appear less complex, and solitude will not be solitude, nor poverty poverty, nor weakness weakness." Henry D. Thoreau  (I’ve carried around a version of this since I was a Junior in High School.)

Or this one that I just found a few weeks ago, but absolutely love – it’s kinda my mantra right now:
“It is never too late to be what you might have been.”  George Elliot (was actually a women – FYI)
These quotes give me hope.  They make me believe that one day (hopefully sooner rather than later), I can pack up the dogs and hit the road.  Me and them on a new adventure, full of happiness, sunshine, long hikes and optimism.  Space to breath for me and especially for Zoey.  I have promised Zoey since she was little that I would buy her a farm (land) for her to run on, free from her social anxiety and other phobias, but mostly the constant noise of the city.  She’ll be 7 next April and she’s a large dog (100lbs) so I feel the pressure to make her dream come true.  Secretly, I have always wanted to live on a farm (land) too – City people just aren’t supposed to admit that. 
In this book I am reading by Amy Spencer, one of her sections is "what would your 84 year old self do?"  Imagine you get to talk with you but in 50 years – what would she say about your dreams, etc?  I think mine would say “why dontcha stop being a pussy, put on your big girl panties and do it already? Geesh, I can’t take you talking about it anymore.”  Would you want to disappoint you in 50 years?  Probably not J

In closing, my dream factory is always working and now that I have transitioned into a new job that I like even less than my previous one (I spent the whole first week googling jobs – uggh), I have decided to push fear aside and make some big decisions about my life.  I have less than 6 months until my birthday, so I’m hoping to move full speed ahead or at least faster than I’m moving now.   
Always dreaming . ....yep, I’m that girl.