Wednesday, July 25, 2012

A Secret No More. . . .

My last post was about how I was trying to keep a scret.  Well, I did. 

My secret was about a job.  A job that I thought I really wanted.  A job that fulfilled all of my wants, so I thought. 

It was at my undergrad.  Let me tell you that I was pretty neutral when I attended there 10 years ago, but I thought it would be a good experience to take this position, career-wise.

When I arrived in town, I instantly had this "heebie-jeebie", gut reaction to being there.  It was not the comfortable place that I had built it up to be in the month long interview process.  I had visited my friend there several times over the years and never got this feeling.  I got a better feeling vacationing by myself in Florida than I did pulling into town.

The interview was over 6 hours long.  The people I met were so nice and wanted me to join their team sooo bad.  Over the past 3 years, I have been greatly under-appreciated or some might say neglected by my former boss (she moved on to another position).  Most of the time, the program I managed just consisted of me and sometimes a part timer, so you can imagine how lonely it can be.  I don't know that she ever thanked for a job well done, or great idea, etc.  So here I am with people complimenting my ideas, my fabulous resume, telling me I should pursue a PhD - it made my employee self-esteem shoot through the roof.  And that made turning the position down even harder.

I have discovered, probably starting in my mid 20s or when I went away to grad school, that your gut feeling is super important and that you should probably listen to it.  So when I pulled into town and all this "uck" kinda fell over me like a blanket, I knew it wasn't a good thing.  Turning down the job felt like I was being mean to friends and made me think "what the *$&# am I looking for"?  I felt comforted on the way home when U2's "Still haven't found what I'm looking for" came on the radio. It might be a sign? Or not. 

In addition to my gut check, I have been working really hard about not settling (6 months of counseling will help with this).  There was nothing wrong with the job, but there was also nothing more they could have done to sweeten the deal and there was nothing that made me go "wow, I have got to have this job".  It just wasn't the right fit for me and that's really hard to say when there's nothing wrong and you have been looking for a new job for 2 years and your current job will not exist Jan 1, 2013. 

Like I have told myself, if I find the job that is just perfect, ignites that passion in me, makes me look forward to going to work, Yes, I would sell my house, pack up the "kids" and hit the road without hesitation.  A new adventure where I am happy and fulfilled working 9-5, sounds like a dream right?

My mom asked me if she thought God was testing me by offering me this job.  I said I didn't know, but sometimes wondered.  I guess you could also think about it like a game show - do you keep what's behind door #1 or do you go for what is behind door #3.

Although hard, I have decided to continue to search for open doors, not settle and look for my happiness.

Zoey & I in Colorado - June 2009

Haven't found what I'm looking for, but still searching . . . .yep, I'm that girl.

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